A Mother’s Advice To Her Daughter For Marriage
- ‘O my daughter, if it were deemed unnecessary to give you this advice because of good manners and noble descent, then it would have been unnecessary for you, because you possess these qualities, but it will serve as a reminder to those who are forgetful, and will help those who are wise.
- ‘O my daughter, if a woman were able to do without a husband by virtue of her father’s wealth and her need for her father, then you of all people would be most able to do without a husband, but women were created for men just as men were created for them.
- ‘O my daughter, you are about to leave the home in which you grew up, where you first learned to walk, to go to a place you do not know, to a companion to whom you are unfamiliar. By marrying you, he has become a master over you, so be like a servant to him, and he will become like a servant to you.
- ‘The first and second of them are: be content in his company, and listen to and obey him, for contentment brings peace of mind, and listening to and obeying one’s husband pleases Allaah.
- ‘The third and fourth of them are: make sure that you smell good and look good; he should not see anything ugly in you, and he should not smell anything but a pleasant smell from you. Kohl is the best kind of beautification to be found, and water is better than the rarest perfume.
- ‘The fifth and sixth of them are: prepare his food on time, and keep quiet when he is asleep, for raging hunger is like a burning flame, and disturbing his sleep will make him angry.
- ‘The seventh and eighth of them are: take care of his servants (or employees) and children, and take care of his wealth, for taking care of his wealth shows that you appreciate him, and taking care of his children and servants shows good management.
- ‘The ninth and tenth of them are: never disclose any of his secrets, and never disobey any of his orders, for if you disclose any of his secrets you will never feel safe from his possible betrayal, and if you disobey him, his heart will be filled with hatred towards you.
- ‘Be careful, O my daughter, of showing joy in front of him when he is upset, and do not show sorrow in front of him when he is happy, because the former shows a lack of judgment whilst the latter will make him unhappy.
- ‘Show him as much honor and respect as you can, and agree with him as much as you can, so that he will enjoy your companionship and conversation.
- ‘Know, O my daughter, that you will not achieve what you would like to until you put his pleasure before your own, and his wishes before yours, in whatever you like and dislike. And may Allaah choose what is best for you and protect you.”
Recorded in al-Aghani by al-Asbahani (tuhfat ul-Arus pg. 91-92)
And (remember) when Luqman said to his son when he was advising him:
And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years give thanks to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination.
But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not, but behave with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who turns to Me in repentance and in obedience. Then to Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what you used to do.
O my son! If it be (anything) equal to the weight of a grain of mustard seed, and though it be in a rock, or in the heavens or in the earth, Allah will bring it forth. Verily, Allaah is Subtle (in bringing out that grain), Well-Aware (of its place).
O my son! Establish the prayer, enjoin good and forbid evil, and bear with patience whatever befalls you. Verily! These are some of the important commandments ordered by Allaah with no exemption.
And turn not your face away from men with pride, nor walk in insolence through the earth. Verily, Allaah likes not each arrogant boaster.
And be moderate (or show no insolence) in your walking, and lower your voice. Verily, the harshest of all voices is the voice (braying) of the ass."
I wish that we ponder over these Verses that gather issues of belief, worship, manners and enjoining the good and forbidding the evil. These Verses are from the greatest of Verses which must be pondered over and benefited from in terms of belief, worship and manners because we learn knowledge for action and to improve our manners with what we know from the Book of Allaah and the Sunnah of the Messenger and his life (Sallaahu alayhi wa Sallam).
"Whoever gives thanks, he gives thanks for the benefit of his own soul"
The reason being is the benefit will return to himself and Allaah is All Rich, The Praised, If the people give thanks to Him then it is for themselves and if they disbelieve and become ungrateful then that only harms them. Allaah does not benefit from their thanks nor is He harmed by their persistent rejection and disbelief as we have mentioned regarding the hadeeth of Abi Dar, "O my servants, you will not be able to harm Me such that I am harmed nor will you be able to benefit Me such that I benefit from you."
This principle is mentioned in the Book and the Sunnah.
Whose does right, it is for the benefit of his own soul; and whoso does evil, the burden thereof will be on it. And your Lord is not in the least unjust to HIS servants."
Allaah praised Luqman for having given him wisdom then He mentioned this great principle. Thereafter, Allaah mentioned some of the points of wisdom that were given to Luqman.
And (remember) when Luqman said to his son when he was advising him: "O my son! Join not in worship others with Allah. Verily! Joining others in worship with Allah is a great oppression indeed.
Wisdom is to put something in its place and this is from the wisdom of Luqman and every caller who is wise. He puts everything in its right context. All the prophets are wise scholars who put everything in their appropriate place. They move forward in their call upon the foundation of this wisdom. Likewise, they educate and rear the people upon this great wisdom.
From the aspects of wisdom is that you start with the most important of affairs just as in the hadeeth of Mu'adh ibn Jabal which is a clarification from the Messenger (Sallaahu alayhi wa Sallam) concerning the methodology of this call to Allaah, the exalted. The Messenger (Sallaahu alayhi wa Sallam) said, "You will come to the people from the Book (Jews and Christians), so let the first thing you call them to be to testify that none has the right to worshipped except Allaah" then he mentioned Salaah (prayer) and Zakat (obligatory charity).
Likewise, Luqman called his son to be upon Tawheed (maintaining the Oneness of Allaah) and forbade him from Shirk (to associate partners with Allaah) then after that he ordered him with prayer and to enjoin good and forbid the evil. This clearly shows his wisdom.
From wisdom is to tread the path of the Prophets (may the peace and blessings of Allaah be upon them) in calling the people to Allaah and educate them to know the religion of Allaah such that you begin with the most important of all affairs followed by the next most important things.
There is no doubt that (correct) belief and Tawheed and purifying the intellects and societies from Shirk is the most fundamental affairs that one begins with and that it is not allowed to begin with anything else besides that. Whoever transgresses this methodology and invents methodologies that oppose this way then they have strayed from the straight path.
"Do not associate partners with Allaah for indeed Shirk is a great oppression."
There isn't anything more dangerous than Shirk with Allaah because it is a sin that will not be forgiven. Allaah said:
Luqman (may Allaah have mercy on him) said, "indeed Shirk is a great oppression."
Abdullah (RadhiAllaahu anhu) said that when this Verse was revealed:
"Those who believe and do not taint their belief with oppression."
It was hard on the companions of the Prophet (Sallaahu alayhi wa Sallam) and they said, "whom amongst us does not oppress himself?" The Prophet r replied, "It is not what is meant. Rather, it is as Luqman said to his son: O my son do not commit shirk with Allaah for indeed shirk is a great oppression."
So he (Sallaahu alayhi wa Sallam) clarified to them what was implied with shirk that if it is mentioned generally then it refers to the greatest shirk and greatest disbelief that its bearer deserves severe anger of Allaah leading to the eternal punishment. It is a sin that is not forgiven and this is why Luqman said to his son, "Indeed Shirk is a great oppression."
Then Allaah mentioned that which is included in the advice to his son and Allaah in many Verses mentions the rights of the parents with His rights. First, one must fulfill the rights of Allaah and then the rights of parents as in His saying:
"Worship Allaah and do not associate partners with Him and be dutiful to your parents."
And His saying:
"Allaah has ordained that none has the right to be worshipped except Him and that you be dutiful to your parents."
Here, He mentioned the advice of Luqman to his son and followed it with His saying:
"And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years give thanks to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination."
Allaah advised man to fulfil the rights of their parents and be kind to them. Then He clarified the reasons for being thankful to them and to know their rights. He clarified the difficulty the mother goes through and advised the importance of being kind towards her. "His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship, and his weaning is in two years."
She, by nature, is weak and her pregnancy increases that weakness in terms of vomiting, dizziness and craving for things not present as they say etc. Pain and hardship followed by the pain of child birth.
Allaah said, “hamalathu ummuhu kurhan wa wadha'athu kurhan."
His mother carried him in difficulty, hardship and danger which could result in her death. Thereafter, she educates and rears you and spends long nights looking after you. Allaah changes her blood to milk such that you can breastfeed. The best thing for rearing a child and making his body strong is that he drinks from his mother's milk. Her hardship is preceded by pregnancy and birth upon hardship, weakness and difficulty. After that, education, care along with sleepless nights, tiredness, cries and pain. So you must return that good (with good). This is why Allaah mentioned being thankful to Himself with being thankful to one's parents, "give thanks to Me and to your parents, unto Me is the final destination."
If you do not fulfill the rights of Allaah and being thankful to Him and your parents then Allaah will punish you due to not being upright in establishing His and your parents' rights or falling short in that.
His statement "unto Me is the final destination." is a warning from Allaah that He will call you to account with what you have put forward in this life. Were you grateful to Allaah? Have you established the obligations upon you that Allaah has legislated? From the most important rights after the rights of Allaah and His Messenger (Sallaahu alayhi wa Sallam) is the rights of your parents. The rights of the parents! I swear by Allaah there is accountability ahead of you if you do not treat you parents well. If you do not establish the rights of Allaah and rights of your parents by being grateful to them for indeed Allaah did not create you without cause and reason. Allaah created you to worship Him and establish His commandments and keep away from His disobedience. From the obedience to Allaah: His order for you to be righteous to your parents after fulfilling the rights of Allaah. Allaah does not fall short in recompensing even a small grain and not even this will be oppressively taken away.
But if they (both) strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not, but behave with them in the world kindly, and follow the path of him who turns to Me in repentance and in obedience.
If they both order you to disobey Allaah whether it is a major sin, the greatest being Shirk (to associate partners with Allaah) or a minor sin then do not obey them in that. They (both) don't have any right in ordering you to be sinful to Allaah whether they call you to Shirk or other than it. The Messenger (Sallaahu alayhi wa Sallam) said,
If they help you in the obedience to Allaah and guide and cultivate you with a correct upbringing then they deserve to be obeyed. If, however, they both deviate and strive with much effort with you to fall into Shirk with Allaah then there is no obedience to them (in that). However, the general righteousness that you should have towards them does not become void even if they try and strive against you and harm you to disbelieve in Allaah, it is upon you not to forget their rights. His statement "but behave with them in this world kindly" means that you have good conduct towards them, be righteous to them, spend on them even if they be disbelievers. You obey them in other than the disobedience to Allaah. You serve them and fulfill their needs. All of this is considered to be kindness to them.
The rights of the parents does not become null and void even if they fall into innovation and Shirk for you must be a good companion to them in this life. Then it is upon you to follow the path of him who turns to Allaah continuously in repentance.
"and follow the path of him who turns to Me in repentance and in obedience."
You return to Allaah, obey and worship him, thereby following the path of the those that repent continuously to Allaah from amongst the Prophets and their followers; They being the scholars who give sincere advice and righteous worshippers.
You are upright establishing the rights of Allaah and His servants, for this is their path. The path of those who stipulate, as part of their repentance, that they will establish the rights of Allaah and His creation by enjoining good, forbidding evil and calling to Allaah and performing other acts of obedience. Meaning in Tawheed (to maintain Allaah's oneness), in worship, in manners and in everything the legislation has come with ordering good and forbidden evil. The greatest evil being Shirk (to associate partners with Allaah).
To be continued inshaallaah...
 Saheeh Muslim
 Soorah Fussilat: 46.
 Soorah Luqman:13.
 Ahmed (1/233), al-Bukhaaree (1390) and\ Muslim (19).
 Soorah al-An'aam: 82.
 Saheeh al-Bukhaaree (6937), Saheeh Muslim (124).
 Soorah Luqman: 15
 Saheeh al-Bukhaaree (7257) Muslim (1840) Ahmed (20675) on the authority of Ali ibn Abi Taalib (May Allaah be pleased with him).